Cultural Communication Habit #11: Default to Questions, Not Statements
Category: Blog
May 23, 2023 | Mark Altman
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Effective communication is not just about the words we use, but how we use them. Every conversation we have, whether in the workplace or in our personal lives, is an opportunity to build connections and strengthen relationships. And one simple yet powerful habit that can make a significant difference in our communication is defaulting to questions rather than statements.
Let’s explore a common scenario to understand the impact of this habit. Imagine you’re a team leader, and one of your employees consistently chooses email as their primary mode of communication, even in situations where a phone call or face-to-face conversation would be more appropriate. How you address this issue can have a significant effect on the outcome.
Now, let’s consider two possible responses you could have in this situation:
Choice #1: “Would you agree that sometimes you tend to rely on email for certain situations when it may be more appropriate to have actual discussions?”
Choice #2: “I noticed you tend to rely on email when it would be more appropriate to have an actual discussion.”
At first glance, these responses might seem similar, but upon closer examination, we can identify four key differences that significantly impact the conversation.
Curiosity vs. Criticism: Choice #1 begins with a question, expressing curiosity about the employee’s perspective. This approach fosters an open dialogue and allows the person to share their point of view. On the other hand, choice #2 starts with a statement, which can come across as critical and judgmental. This initial tone sets the stage for potential conflict and defensiveness.
Sharing vs. Assessing: The question in choice #1 gives the employee an opportunity to express themselves and clarify any misunderstandings. By saying, “Would you agree that sometimes you tend to rely on email,” you acknowledge that the behavior may not be happening all the time. In contrast, choice #2 states, “I noticed you tend to rely on email,” which is a straightforward assessment of the facts. This absolute phrasing can make the employee defensive and less receptive to feedback.
Allowing Dialogue vs. Imposing Beliefs: The phrase “sometimes” and “certain situations” in choice #1 implies that the behavior is not constant or universal. It leaves room for discussion and acknowledges that there may be valid reasons for the employee’s communication choices. On the other hand, choice #2 presents the behavior as an absolute, implying that it is inappropriate in all situations. This rigid viewpoint can stifle conversation and hinder understanding.
Non-Judgmental vs. One-Sided: By using the phrase “may be more appropriate” in choice #1, you communicate that there is room for interpretation and different perspectives on what constitutes appropriate communication. It shows that you’re open to hearing the employee’s reasoning. Conversely, choice #2’s phrase “when it would be more appropriate” reflects your own value and belief system, leaving no room for alternative viewpoints.
As you can see, the differences between these two communication choices are subtle yet significant. By defaulting to questions instead of statements, you create an environment that promotes understanding, openness, and collaboration. By leading with curiosity, you invite others to share their thoughts and experiences, fostering a sense of psychological safety and mutual respect.
So, the next time you find yourself in a conversation where you want to address a concern or offer feedback, remember to default to questions. Embrace curiosity, seek to understand, and be open to different perspectives. By doing so, you’ll not only enhance your communication skills but also cultivate stronger relationships and create a more inclusive and collaborative environment.
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